i carry your h e a r t in me {i carry it in my h e a r t}

//.all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
 
he wants to say i love you, but keeps it to good night. because love will mean some falling and she's afraid of heights. i think we are both terrified of heights. or we are both terrified of rejection. it doesn't even make sense to me what we are doing anymore. what was last night? what even was that? even though i royally messed up last night, now i definitely know that you like me. i think at least. right? i think i owe you an apology:
 
i'm sorry. i'm so so sorry. i'm sorry that i'm too shy and afraid to say something to you. i'm sorry that i smile and blush at you and then when the time comes to talk i overcompensate. i'm sorry that i made it even more awkward then before. i'm sorry i made it so difficult to join the conversation, and i'm sorry that i can't take a hint. i'm sorry that i expect you to do all of the work and then when you try so hard, i make it impossible. i'm sorry that it seems like i'm playing games. i'm not! i just don'w know how to talk to you because i like you so much. i don't know how to make this work and i'm sorry for that.
 
admit it. were you a little bit heart-broken there? i couldn't see your face at all, i was too afraid to make eye contact when you were so close to me. why did you sit so close and why were you so reluctant to move? why did you stick it for ten minutes while i rambled on to keegan? on the bright side, keegan and i are doing great, thanks for asking. :D ah. how could i not have noticed how hard you were trying? how? how? *sob* ahahah.
 
i ruined everything so freakin' much! you wouldn't even glance at me anymore. and you always glance at me. maybe i'm just being melodramatic, but you looked about as heartbroken as i felt. we never even met eyes again that night. you did with caylee, but only because i told her to glance behind and see if you were watching.
 
i can kind of see now why you haven't made a move. maybe it is all my fault. or if not all, at least a little bit. i thought i made it obvious that i like you, but maybe i don't. i have always wondered why you seem to avoid me like the plague and why it always seems like you are ignoring me. but maybe it's because it always seems like i am avoiding you and like i am not interested in talking to you.
 
at least i asked you to sign my yearbook, but it's not like you were actually going to write anything crazy good or anything. if you're this self-conscious and shy, then you are probably trying to keep yourself from thinking too much of it. while th ewhole time i was just wishing that you would write that you thought i was cute or pretty or special or breathtaking or alluring.
 
how is it even possible for two people to like each other so much and for it to still not work out. i always though that as long as two people iked each other it would just automatically work out. but that's not true, because i like you and you like me. and here we sit, alone. but, together in a way. you are all i think about, so in a way i belong to you. i am yours. and maybe you are mine, what were you thinking about when you were just standing there? do you ever think about me? we are too shy for our own good.
 
if i ask you out on tuesday at graduation practice, what will you say. i have a feeling it's going to be awkward no matter what, so what is there to lose? i will quite literally never see you again after wednesday evening. you will never be in school again. and you like me, so i don't think you'd flat-out refuse going to see a movie with me. you don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world, but you do have some say in who hurts you. i already know i'm going to get hurt, but i'd rather burn up trying then have to face another what-if.
 
your love must not depend on sad eyed boys. i'm trying so hard to not let it depend on your eyes-- chocolate pools. but this feels like all i will ever know. at least if i make an attempt i can say i tried. after tuesday i want to say that i tried the hardest i could. and if it still doesn't work out, well then okay. please don't let me not try. i will never forgive myself for thursday night,let alone if i don't say something in tuesday. this feels like the day after christmas break all over agin. this feels like the day before prom all over again. i can't do this anymore than three times. it's either here or not.
 
i know longer know if i wish to drown myself in love, vodka, or the sea.//
 
yours truly,
xx meganwenzel

//. but darling you've got to be your own hero, because everybody's busy tring to save t h e m s e l v e s.
 
would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight? oh m y goodness. this is the most beautiful song ever. and when kellie pickler and derek hough danced on dwts on monday. oh my goodness. is it okay if i am completely seechless and if i cried a little. oh my.
 
chloe, i know your sister turns everyone on. but oh baby. i know you're the one that i want.//
 
yours truly,
xx meganwenzel

//.everything we said we were was not the truth because you wanted the ocean but i gave you the sea instead
 
maybe i gave you the sea because i'm too afraid to give you all of me, to give you something that much, to give you something as deep and vast and complete as the ocean.
 
la. la. la. you're the one i want. and i don't know what to do about it anymore. everyting is going to end. and i don't know how to make it work. four days is not a lot of time m'darling. it's really not very much time at all when you consider that i had somewhere around five hundred days to begin with.
 
i don't need you to help me, i just need you to be there.//
 
yours truly,
xx meganwenzel

//. i hope you never think about anything as much as i think about you.
 
we have changed just like the seasons. everything has changed. i don't know why i expected it to stay the same, it's not like i wanted things to stay the way they were. but i'm not really sure if they are better or worse now. because you are still not mine. in the morning i still sit surrounded by people i don't care about. and you still sit all alone watching me talk about my evening. we both still blush when we pass by each other's lockers. and i still catch you looking at me when we eat lunch.
 
why are we not doing something about this? i think it'd be too weird after all of the comments that have been made. there is no way that you don't know i like you. but what about you? you are so hard to read, and i can't tell if you're doing it on purpose or not. every time i convince myself that you like me, i start to think maybe not. and that's because we don't ever talk. we have such a weird friendship, or whatever this is. and then i see you talking to Her and it makes me wonder if you're really not that shy at all. or maybe you talk to her because she shoves herself on you and you just talk back? i don't know what's running through your head.
 
and in five days i'll walk by you in the morning for the last time, ever. i only have five mornings, five trig classes, five days. wow. i don't even know if i want to say something to you or not. i don't know what i'll write in your yearbook because i don't even know if you could muster up enough courage to ask me to sign it. sigh.
 
sooner or later they all will be gone, why can't they stay young?.//
 
yours truly,
xx meganwenzel

{marianna paige}
 
//.sometimes i get so far into my head that i forget anything else exists.
 
oh my goodness.
no words.
i have no words.
today was bad.
oh.
so.
bad.
 
my face is so red from all of this freaking blushing..//
 
yours truly,
xx meganwenzel

{shel silverstein}
 
//. i think a bullet might hurt a little bit less than this loneliness.
 
i mean, obviously i would never go that far, i have a lot of life left to live. :) but do not underestimate what it feels like to be lonely. everyone around me to seems to have somebody. everyone around me says that i suck at people skills. how can i be so darn book smart and have no social skills? but i do have social skills! i do! i do! but maybe i can't relate to the kinds of kids who go out and drink and the kinds of kids who get invited to parties. if we're talking about the "cool" kids, welll then no. i don't have any social skills.
 
but, why does it matter to me if they like me or not? i certainly would lead a fine life without them. and maybe that's the problem. we are so different and even though we go to an uber small school, it is too hard to merge our friend groups. it is too hard to have a conversation with you because we have both found our own separate niches and they are nowhere near each other. and i don't know what to do about it. everything i want is out of my comfort zone.
 
i am out of my comfort zone. i always swore i would never be that girl, that girl who is so self-conscious about her appearance. but i am that girl now. i've never had so many days where everything inmy closet looks terrible on me. and you were right, maybe it's not the clothes. maybe it's me. i don't like who i am right now. i'm losing it. i'm losing hope. i'm losing sight of everything. i need someone to believe in me. i need someone to be there for me. but i'm afraid to let anyone in.
 
if i could restart this year, oh. i would give anything.
and i don't even know what is and is not worth it anymore. we are so far apart, we are so different. and i don't think you're my soulmate or anything, but wouldn't one kiss, one touch be nice? you know, this is kind of your fault, too! if you would just speak up, if you would just say what's on your mind. if you would just stop looking at me and smiling at me and being so freaking nice to me! if i blame you, then maybe i can get through this. can i get through this? i'm really not sure.
 
i bet you're the prettiest at 12 am, when you're scared, and sad, and you just need someone. this is when you're the prettiest because it's when you're the most honest.
 
real loneliness is not necessarily limited to when you are alone.//
 
yours truly,
xx meganwenzel

{b.t.r}
 

//. these things are not the way they were before.
 
oooh. ice cream tonight? boo-yah.
 
who is that girl i see staring straight back at me?.//
 

yours truly,
xx meganwenzel

//.don't feel stupid if you don't like what everyone else pretends to love
 
blah. blah. blah. what's up today everyone?
i'm not even sure what kind of mood i'm in. haha. apparentley a bright green one. :)
 
i would like to start over, please. i said i wasn't sure if i wanted to, but i do. i do. i do. let's go back to the fall, because now that i know how the spring turns out, i know it doesn't really mater how much effort i put in. i should have just had fun in the fall while i still had the chance. i should just enjoy what's left of my freaking spring. but i can't. i'm still, whatever. i don't know.
 
if we started over, would it turn out different? would i have more confidence?
 
i keep it a secret because it will hurt you as much as it's hurting me.//
 
yours truly,
xx meganwenzel

//. if you can get through feeling like this, you'll be just fine.
 
this is the last time, okay? okay. i am done with this. you know, i have to be done with this in three weeks anyways. so, if i try to give up now maybe i'll be done by the time you leave. hopefully. i don't know. this has gone on far too long. i am going to get hurt no matter what. and i knew i was going to get hurt four months ago. and yet i'm still here, still getting hurt. argh.
 
this is so confusing. you are not even worth my time anymore. except you a r e. i mean. i don't know what i mean. i want you to be worth it. i don't know where this is going anymore. do you like me or not? i feel like i'm getting played. except i'm not. you're not. why is this so different from everyone else? because we aren't everyone else.
 
and we never will be just like anyone else. is that not half the reason i fell for you? i fall for everyone i can't have. and if i did get you, if we ended up together, it wouldn't be the same, would it? i think i do this to myself.
 
all of my friends have all of these amazingly magical moments. and i sit here on polyvore. no offense to polyvore, but i think i am legitimately addicted to my sadness. i don't really know how to get out. help me out.
 
you don't forget the face of the person who was your last hope.//
 
yours truly,
xx meganwenzel

//. they say you die twice. once when you stop breathing, and another time, a little bit later on, when someone says your name for the last time.
 
i can't believe i actually came to school today. i don't know what's up. i am just so ready to give up on all of it. i don't think i can wake up another day knowing that today will be just like yesterday. when's the last time i learned anything at school?
 
this isn't good. i can't give up yet. i'm not far enough. i am nowhere.
 
and when i met you my heart sighed. the sigh radiated from the hole in my chest, from that place that had never seen light. there you are, it said, you don't know how long i've been waiting for you.
 
i'm lonely and you're lovely and i just want to be with you right now even if you don't want to be with me.//
 
yours truly,
xx meganwenzel